@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

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@SSDated

This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.

@QwertyJones3

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

@RobbyActually

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

@JediGigi

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@tastefactory

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

@TheBoydP

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

@iwearaonesie

me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”

@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice