This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”
-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
oh you’re a feminist? name every woman
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice