Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”
-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like….
‘I’ve got nothing man.’
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”