@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

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@tsm560

Me: I’m a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: You just said…
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.

@TheCatWhisprer

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350279375893176320″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”118″;s:5:”tweet”;s:140:”Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Marlebean

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

@Swishergirl24

Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@aparnapkin

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@AimeeHelene1

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*