Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
At least he brought enough for everyone
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before