@SatansTongue

*at church*
“Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?”
? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?????
“Jim no”

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@reczit

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

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If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.

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Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.

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My husband pissed me off so I took photos of me using his tools improperly and sent them throughout the day while he was at work as payback

@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@junejuly12

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late