[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
You Might Also Like
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.