@ShortSleeveSuit

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

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@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

@jackiembouvier

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@Whatevah_Amy

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

@StayNobody

What can I get you to drink?
“Pepsi”
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?

@KattsDogma

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@AdamBroud

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

@shariv67

I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.