Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
me doing my best
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas