(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
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“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Probably my best painting.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.