@Queen_Sassy_AF: At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.
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@trojansauce: [dinner party] mario: what's in this risotto? me: mushroom, you're not allergic? mario: *grows to like 20 feet*
@anon_mommy: Hubby's ex emailed him wanting to "reconnect". I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis