someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I love art.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*