[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.