Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’
Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
You mean orgasms aren’t those Japanese paper artsy things?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Can’t stop laughing 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”
Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.