@better_off_dad2

*at confessional*

Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’

Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’

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@fred_dog

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

@Lhlodder

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@QwertyJones3

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

@Irish_Dinosaur

“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

@RunOldMan

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

@TheWeirdWorld

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.