@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

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@bobbiejo448

5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.

@germanndasavage

i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@dshack8

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

@karanbirtinna

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

@heidi420x

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

@GatewayHug

*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.