[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

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5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.


i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school


Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.


[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second


Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.


*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*


I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.


Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.