Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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I think they could have phrased this better
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me