[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
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I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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