My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!