At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.


A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.


People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!


Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”


I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.


One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.


– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.


genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no