@DanMentos

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

You Might Also Like

@TravLeBlanc

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@LisaMcAlister1

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@dance_blessed

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}