[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
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I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.