At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.