At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
sugar glider wrangler
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈