[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.