@internetluke

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

You Might Also Like

@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

@smerobin

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

@BlairLoudly

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

@DamienFahey

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

@i_wantMyBiitch

I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…

@ArfMeasures

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

@mydanimarie

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

@TragicAllyHere

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you