Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Brain: That is a fly.
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you