GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…