[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.