[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.