@LeBearGirdle

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

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@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

@LizHackett

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

@karanbirtinna

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

@13spencer

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

@TobyHater

Fax? Why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@bartandsoul

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.