[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Feel. He’s so soft.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Kids: Stay in school.