This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
a trip to the doctor
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.