[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

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This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob


[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care


*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you


A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.


my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd


I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it


My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.


Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver


Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.