According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty