Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them
MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics