[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?


Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.


don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician


*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*


Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!


ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.


Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.