@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

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@AndyJokedAgain

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

@marcia_bee

Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

@Marlebean

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@wickedsuga

The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.

@TragicAllyHere

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

@ningiou

Everytime you see 2 characters in Gundam that are enemies talk to eachother while piloting their mobile suit and yelling about their ideals, “i wont let you get away” etc, remember one had to start a call and the other had to accept it just so they could beef over the intercom

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@TheTweetOfGod

When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.