*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??