[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.