@murrman5

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

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@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@jdforshort

I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.

THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage

@constantlyjosh

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

@BuckyIsotope

November
Echo
Victor
Echo
Romeo
Golf
Oscar
November
November
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Uniform
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@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.