Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

@jellybnbonanza

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@jdforshort

I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.

THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage

@constantlyjosh

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

@NurseMurderer

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

@WittySassBasket

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

@BuckyIsotope

November
Echo
Victor
Echo
Romeo
Golf
Oscar
November
November
Alfa
Golf
India
Victor
Echo
Yankee
Oscar
Uniform
Uniform
Papa

@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.