Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.
THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.