[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Golf would be better with landmines.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?