[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain

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Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.


Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.


English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language


My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school.

I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!


my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game


I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.


Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.


GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow


GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon


Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.


The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.