@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@12spoopy11u

Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.

@imdumbledaddy

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

@McMcmadmac

My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school.

I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!

@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

@putyoursisterd1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

@LizHackett

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

@trojansauce

GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?

GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon

@GlennyRodge

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.