[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Dead sexy!!
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.