@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.

@bobvulfov

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

@Love_bug1016

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@Samzen_

All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.

@ThisOneSayz

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

@DontTouchMyWine

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

@ehdannyboy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions