[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
not to brag, but mine was free
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.