Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
You Might Also Like
At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉
CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions