[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out