[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*