[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older