Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?
Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you are a joke.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up
Phew! Good workout!
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff