@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

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@Bob_Janke

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@YepperPepper123

*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*

@msmegmensa

A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.

@ASoftstar

I went to a gender reveal party and I was the only one who showed up naked.

@HoarseWisperer

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

@SkippyMcGizzard

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

@NYC_Blonde

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…