@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

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@_davidlucas_

*Buying flowers*

Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?

Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.

@sparticus_af

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.

@thepaulahunt

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!

*leaves

@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

@Bob_Janke

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

@supermarkusa

I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair

@ObscureGent

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff