@Bob_Janke
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
@GrowlyGrego
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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@Bob_Janke
@1Badasspoolboy
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
@ItsAndyRyan
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
@YepperPepper123
*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*
@msmegmensa
A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.
@ASoftstar
I went to a gender reveal party and I was the only one who showed up naked.
@HoarseWisperer
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
@SkippyMcGizzard
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
@alispagnola
Carpe DM
@NYC_Blonde
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…