guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I found your tweet-up…
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add