[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Happy Caturday!