[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
December birthdays be like…
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.