@ThRealBallsDeep

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@triviastigma

us: pls chronological timelines
insta: what? insta stories?
us: nonono chronological timelines
insta: did you mean IGTV
us: NO CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINES
insta: ohhhh you want to scroll horizontally
#instagramupdate

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@TheOnion

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

@kibblesmith

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

@MavenofHonor

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were