<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.


I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn


Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?


Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king


Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.

Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.


ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.


Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.


daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there