“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.
Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.
ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there