My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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<—- homeless romantic
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
us: pls chronological timelines
insta: what? insta stories?
us: nonono chronological timelines
insta: did you mean IGTV
us: NO CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINES
insta: ohhhh you want to scroll horizontally
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Spins a web.
Just like flies.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were