At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
It’s the weekend y’all
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney