At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.