@stevevsninjas

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

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@mollzbenn

It’s amazing how much you can get away with by wearing an orange vest and a hard hat. I’ve been digging a hole in this Forever 21 for hours.

@MikeDrucker

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

@Brianhopecomedy

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15