At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
TEETH IS INNOCENT
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
こいつ天才