Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I have obtained a hat
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I am also baked goods
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?