Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
saw this in a dream
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one