[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!