{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.