{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

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[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?


Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?


X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.


My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.


10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.


When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things


washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one


I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.