[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.