[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.