@soandrewyang

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

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@NoogsCorner

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@MaraWilson

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

@ojedge

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

@CatsVsHumanity

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

@dadofbieber

Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I
do?.