*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I