*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

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Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..


If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.


My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.


NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant


HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?

ME: check-check. yes, your honor.


Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?



Hi, I’m your server.

“Our son got a degree!”

Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?


Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.


Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.


Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call