Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?
ME: check-check. yes, your honor.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:
Hi, I’m your server.
“Our son got a degree!”
Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call