@Florescience

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

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@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..

@roxiqt

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

@tonsmorecowbell

My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.

@Brampersandon_

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

@EyeSeeYou619

HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?

ME: check-check. yes, your honor.

@Social_Mime

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

@liv_thatsme

HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:

Hi, I’m your server.

“Our son got a degree!”

Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?

@brownbear952

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

@AndyAsAdjective

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call