*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
become ungovernable
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six