INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[At gang interview]
GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang
GL: What qualities do you..
M: *Already snapping fingers
GL: You’re in
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person
Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!
Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on