[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in

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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course


[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*


Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.


Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.


the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me


3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.


what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person


Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.


friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on