Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[At gang interview]
GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang
GL: What qualities do you..
M: *Already snapping fingers
GL: You’re in
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Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today
Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!
-wives, on their period
Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.