@jergarl

[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

@WheelTod

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

@robyndwoskin

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

@TheMichaelRock

Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today

Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!

@Lisabug74

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@wickedsuga

DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!

-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.