JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I know karate and tons of other words.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.