I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…
What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Runs with scissors
Gets hit by bus
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
oh no they must have been playing jumanji
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’m not superstitious.
But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.