@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

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@nojeshua

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

@kelkulus

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

@Ivsy01

Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.

@zwina_summer

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

@suecorvette

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

@markydoodoo

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

@shaunpcassidy

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th