WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
“Please let go of my hair”
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure