@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

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@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@EndhooS

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

@PatsATweetin

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@pilau

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

@mommajessiec

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

@RunOldMan

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure