[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When your best mate counts as a desk too
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.