@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

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@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

@squirrel74wkgn

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

@FrenulumBreve

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

@ashmensch

Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?

@bea_ker

Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.

@IamEveryDayPpl

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

@a_simpl_man

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

@NicCageMatch

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@Sickayduh

I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won’t last long and we all know it