I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
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My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Text from two weeks ago:
Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?
So last night, I unwrapped:
Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”
me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?