[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

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I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!


My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.


My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.


Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs


Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped:


Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.


In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”


What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd