[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.


Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show


[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”


Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?


Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.


It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.


Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry


I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.


[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY


I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won’t last long and we all know it