[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle