[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’ve been learning to cook.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
All excellent questions
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.